


For Lexa. (For Clarke)

by Caskettmyheart



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Afterlife fic, Costia spirit fic, F/F, Ghost Costia, Happy, Happy Ending, No graphic mentions of death, Sad, but - Freeform, just afterlife and all that, slight angst, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-21
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 12:54:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8103112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caskettmyheart/pseuds/Caskettmyheart
Summary: After her own death, she met the Gods. They gave her a choice. Stay by her loved one's side and look out for her, or move on to a peacefull afterlife. The choice was easy to Costia, but as always, there's a condition. She can't ever show herself, or make contact with the living, especially not Lexa. It's a hard thing to refrain from, but she manages to. 
She watches as Lexa is struck by grief, anger, hopelesness and eventually, finds love again.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I started this a while ago when I was sad, but I promise this doesn't have a sad ending. It's sort of an open-ending, do'nt say I didn't warn you.

Her entire life long, she felt this kind of marvelous feeling around Lexa. That feeling never went away. Not even after she died and decided to stick around to watch over her. She’ll never be able to hold her hand, or kiss her lips, or even just be acknowledged by her lover anymore. She could try, but if her loved one sensed her, she’d be sent up. The Gods had made that very clear. But she’d chosen Lexa over the peace that awaited above. They told her she could come up, once she was ready but in all these years, she’d never even been tempted. They granted her wish and warned her, once you’re up, you’ll never be able to go down to the world again. The peaceful emptiness of a life after death awaited her.

Costia had better ways to spend her time than to talk with old relatives or ancestors. She only cared about making sure Lexa would be okay after she heard the news.

It hadn’t been an easy task. The way of her death, the kidnapping, be-heading and arrival of the body-part took several days. By the time Lexa received the package, Costia was right by her side, on Lexa’s left while ever faithful Gustus lingered on her right. Anya hadn’t taken her position out of respect, but remained a few steps behind her former Fos. Costia knew she couldn’t stop Lexa from seeing her mutilated body like that, but she still wished she could have changed the moment in time. Stopped her from being scarred. But even she knew that if someone else had opened it first, Lexa wouldn’t have believed the news unless she saw it herself. So Costia did what she’d always done, she put a hand on Lexa’s shoulder – she could feel it as if she were still within her body, though Lexa could not – and gave her support as best she could.

Only this time, it was Gustus who had to wrap his arms around Lexa’s trembling body. The cry that sounded through the room pained her. The helpless feeling of not being able to heal Lexa’s heartache – a pain she could feel in her mind – ached. She wanted to tell her it was okay, that she was strong, that she’d get through this… Tough Gustus did that instead of her, it didn’t have the same effect.

She could only watch on as Gustus carried Lexa to her bed and held her until she was all cried out. Anya had stalked off somewhere, taking the body part with her on her way out, yelling at the guards. He’d always been the one with the softer side, and she’d always been the one to act quickly.

The first time Gustus left her alone for a bit, she sat down by Lexa’s side and stroked her hair until she fell asleep. It didn’t take long for Lexa to give in to her tiredness from worrying the past few days and for a second, she worried Lexa had noticed her presence and she’d be sent up, never to see Lexa again. But nothing happened. Perhaps she wasn’t strong enough to reach her yet. She was scared to try and succeed in a task she didn’t ever want to complete. So she sat and watched over Lexa.

When Lexa got up with a new daybreak and decisions the past commanders had advised her, something in her eyes had changed. They were duller. Not from lack of sleep or interest. Heda was ever interested in the well-being of her people. That was just it, though. This was Heda, not Lexa, talking to Gustus and Anya alongside Indra. Lexa was buried beneath layers of careful protection for her heart. And when Flamekeeper Titus spoke his famous words to Lexa, Costia didn’t see the usual disbelieve. She felt disappointment flow through her – Lexa’s disappointment that his words had been fact.

It hurt, knowing that she’d caused this shift in Lexa. Though she knew it hadn’t been her fault really, and that Titus wasn’t right. Only to prove the nosy man wrong, she stuck around and tried to guide Lexa as she’d had before. It was hard, trying to get noticed by Lexa in a way that didn’t reveal her presence. She had no way of telling if it worked either, because the strong Heda managed to surprise everyone time and time again with a twist in her game of thrones. Allowing Azgeda to join the coalition was one such move.

 

Over the years, she’s seen Lexa grow with every decision she made. Evolve, with every battle and training session. Break, with every dear one lost. Smile, when those she cared for returned to Polis, safe and sound. Cry, whenever she called out for Costia in her dreams and jolted awake only to realize the nightmare was real – she wasn’t there anymore.

But she’s never been through _this_ before. Not like this, anyway.

She’d experienced this feeling from the receiving end. It had felt so good, so pure, and so magical.  But now it tore her apart. Seeing Lexa’s eyes flicker over this girl from the skai’s physique when she thought the girl wasn’t watching was strange. Looking at her loved one as that flicker changing into intrigue, and care eventually. It tugged at her heart. Even though it had stopped beating long ago, she still felt her emotions push and pull at the space it had been.

She was experiencing the most beautiful thing in the world for a second time, but from a different perspective.

Lexa was falling in love.

The day the realization struck her hadn’t been when Clarke had first entered Lexa’s life. She’d never even suspected such a thing would happen back then. However, she did notice Lexa feeling curious about this girl. It made sense, Heda was supposed to be suspicious and curious about newcomers. That’s why she didn’t realise it sooner.  
 It didn’t hit her the day Lexa told Clarke about her. Though hearing her name being spoken awoke a flame inside of her she’d lost long ago. It was as if she had confirmation her lover still remembered her. Even though she could feel Lexa’s every emotion. She knew her lover still thought of her, remembered her. But it had been so long since that beautiful voice had spoken her name.   
It had been odd, hearing Lexa speak of her the way she did to Clarke. For her to do that meant great trust.

As Lexa grew more interested in Clarke, Costia’s interest grew with it. She pondered moments of following the girl from the skai before looking upon Lexa and deciding she wasn’t going to stray from her side. She hadn’t left her side in many years. Why start now for someone who was probably not that interesting anyway.

But Clarke did turn out to be fascinating. Especially to Lexa.

Listening to Lexa talk to her, as she sometimes still did, about the girl was bittersweet. Lexa talked to her like she did to no one else. She mentioned how golden her hair was – so unlike the people from Earth – and how bright her eyes sparked. It was curious to see how Lexa was so animate in talking about Clarke. Did she talk of her like that to anyone years ago? Would anyone have listened to Lexa then like she was now, seeing that this girl was so interesting to Lexa.

All these years, she’d wished for Lexa to be happy again. For her to find someone and be able to love again. She’d accepted that was going to happen long ago. She never imagined it would feel like this, though.

The day the realization of how far Lexa’s feelings went, was the day Wanheda was born. The day Lexa left Clarke and the skai people on the battlefield. To shield _her_ people from harm. Costia knew it was the safest decision to make to ensure the lives of the people inside, weak and desperate to be let out. That moment Lexa heard of the choice, Costia felt Lexa’s emotions crumble. They were strong one moment, and in disarray the next. Lexa didn’t know who to turn to. To reveal how she felt about this new girl that had entered her life mere weeks ago. Gustus was gone. So was Anya. Titus would be of no use, and Indra would have adviced her exactly what she needed to hear – not what she wanted.

The strong dread that seeped through Lexa made it click for Costia. Lexa was falling in love. She was falling in love and finally having the change to be truly happy again… But here she was, choosing between another chance at love and giving herself happiness, or throwing it all away and granting her people happiness instead of her own.

Heda served the people. So she chose her people.

Even though Lexa had to hold back tears when confronting Clarke in front of all their troops. Even though Clarke was looking at her with this confused look. Even though the second Clarke figured it out, Lexa saw contempt in her eyes, hurt, betrayal… Even though she knew Clarke would hate her for this and she could barely breathe seeing the tears in Clarke’s eyes.

She still chose her people.

 

Costia was there that night, when Lexa called out for her once she was alone. She’d been by her side already, but Lexa wouldn’t have known that.

“Did I do the right thing, ai niron?” Lexa was sitting on the edge of her bed in her tent. They had sent up camp on their way back to polis. “I know it was the best thing so avoid us all getting killed…”

Costia didn’t need to see her to know she was hesitating, holding back on expressing her feelings as she’d been taught to do for many years. She walked over to be closer to Lexa, sat down on the edge of the bed next to her, and held her hand mid-air so it would once have laid on Lexa’s shoulder. She didn’t even try to speak, sure Lexa wouldn’t hear her anyway and not wanting to risk it if she did.

“But if it were the right thing, why does it hurt so much to do?” Lexa sighed and looked up to avoid the tears from earlier spilling from her eyes. She hadn’t allowed herself a second to cry from the moment she turned her back to Clarke up until this point. Costia knew she’d try – and fail – to hold them back now as well.

As Lexa slept that night, Costia curled around her and held her as she had long ago. Instead of nightmares, beautiful dreams clouded Lexa’s mind, shielding her for a mere hours before returning to reality.

 

Once they were back in Polis, it was as if she’d been transported through time. It seemed like Lexa had lost her all over again, only this time it was a different girl. There was no Gustus to take care of her. No Anya to try and get her out of it with a sparring match. Only Titus who didn’t even need to speak in order to make Lexa feel like she needed to be heated once again that love was weakness.

Lexa had no one to pull her through this but herself. Costia knew she was strong, that she would make it and find a way to resolve this. But even she knew that this was just as bad as all those years ago. Lexa cared for her, loved her, and now she’s experiencing the same loss with a new loved one.

The news of Wanheda came a few weeks later. The mountains defeat was a reality, made possible by one person. The commander of Death, Wanheda. Aka Clarke kom Skaikru. The whispers around the forests had reached Polis quicker than the travelers did. Wanheda was out there, and unprotected by the Skaikru.

When Lexa heard what Clarke had done, Costia felt regret seeping through her. Regret for making Clarke go through this alone, for not being there by her side when doing the impossible. Doing something Clarke hadn’t wanted to in the first place. Shame, for betraying her the way she had. Sadness, for suffering the consequences of her actions. Longing, to see her again.

Most of all, there was fear, for knowing what the title meant… Soon, once whispers reached every corner of their lands, everyone would be out looking for Wanheda. She wasn’t worried that Clarke would be able to fight a few bandits on her own. She was more worried about what the Azplana would do with this information. Even though she knew the other 11 clans would hold against Azegda, she feared the Ice Queen’s games and tricks. Her people would hold. She, however, might never recover.

Once again, Costia felt Lexa thinking of her as she had many times before. Only now it was compared with the fear of it happening again to a very real person in a very difficult situation. Losing a loved one once had nearly destroyed Lexa. Even though she was strong, she wasn’t sure she’d make it out again and Costia could feel this fear and doubt strong as ever.

She put her hand on Lexa’s shoulder once she’d retreated to her own room. Candlelight made her skin glow while it had no effect on Costia’s invisible form. She knew Lexa wouldn’t be able to feel her presence, she made sure to keep herself at bay enough not to get noticed, but she hoped it still worked a bit.

Lexa disappeared into the big pile of skins on her bed soon after and for the first time in years, Costia felt she needed to make sure Lexa wouldn’t get hurt again. So, knowing her niron was safe and sound asleep, making sure she had no nightmares, she left Lexa’s side in search of Clarke.

She found Clarke easily. She was sleeping – or trying to – in a tree, away from predators like wolves and cougars that roamed the forests. She was trashing, however, fighting against the bonds she’s put up to keep herself up in the tree rather than falling down in her sleep. Costia had to give it to her, she was clever. Clever but taunted by nightmares of her actions of weeks ago. She looked thinner than the last time Costia had seen her. More worn out, pale skin stained with blood, and hair that seemed to be turning the same color as the sticky liquid. Lexa would hate to see her like this, she knew. So she did the only thing she could for now. She laid her hand on Clarke’s - a body part that was unmoving so she could focus – and entered her mind, soothing the nightmares. Within moments, Clarke’s trashing ceased. She let out a sigh in her sleep as Costia let her dream of happy things. Memories that wouldn’t do her harm, but ones she wouldn’t remember dreaming of when waking. For now, Clarke was okay. All she needed was to catch some food soon and she’d be alright.

Once she returned to Lexa’s side, Costia had made up her mind about what she had to do. It wouldn’t be pleasant and would most likely create an aching in her heart, but she told herself to do it for Clarke and Lexa. They deserved the happy ending she never got.

 

It was days before she had an opportunity to execute her plan. Days of checking up on Clarke – happy to see she managed to catch a rabbit and surprise a deer – and watching over Lexa as best she could. Now Lexa was alone again, in her chambers, only accompanied by an invisible presence who was feeling her own emotion for the first time in a long time. A lot of love and dread. Lexa sat on her bed, hands absentmindedly playing with the skins while staring out the large window, wondering about Clarke. Worrying mostly. Her scouts hadn’t come up with anything, there was no knowledge of the whereabouts of Wanheda. Which only made Lexa more anxious.

As Costia took a deep breath she did not need anymore, she focused all her energy on Lexa, on this room, on their memories together, the good and bad. With a whisper of her name on Costia’s lips, Lexa’s head snapped towards her. Their eyes met and Lexa jumped, drawling backwards on the bed until she couldn’t go any further. Costia knew this must be a shock, so she just smiled at her loved one. A wide smile sending all her love with the knowledge Lexa could see her now.

“Hei, ai niron.” It felt strange, hearing her voice again. “Moba, I didn’t mean to startle you, love.”

Lexa’s eyes were wide as they scanned over her body – or rather what used to be it. She had no wounds showing on her body, no shredded clothes. Instead, her wardrobe was neat and how she’d remembered it having been when alive and well.

“Costia?” Her voice was a whisper, nearly a whimper. She was no more relaxed than a second ago and Costia wanted that to change. They didn’t have much time after all.

“It is no trick of the mind, nor anyone alive.” She unfolded her hands from before her and looked at them. “It’s been a long time since I was conscious of my body, but I am still the same.” She looked at Lexa again, who was moving to the edge of the bed.

Her mouth opened and closed, before one simple word came out: “How?”

“I’ve been here all along, love. I’ve watched you through sorrow and pain, I’ve seen you grow and I’ve been there for you every step of the way. But I don’t want to talk about that, about me – in fact, it’s best I don’t. The Gods don’t like me doing this.” She was unsure of how long she had, but she needed to make every second count.

Costia stood in the same spot, letting Lexa come to her, letting her get comfortable with this. Lexa’s eyes were scanning her, her face and her clothes. Most of all, they lingered on her neck.

Lexa’s hand reached out once she had stepped close enough and hovered above Costia’s cheek. Costia could feel the warmth radiate off of it for the first time in what felt like ages. There was no heat or cold in limbo.

“Can I – May I touch you?” Lexa tentatively asked, still stunned, though slowly working her mind around it.

Costia felt tears well up in her eyes as she nodded and leaned into Lexa’s hand. She shut her eyes tightly, savoring the moment, as tears pushed their way out. It felt so good to be here again, to feel Lexa again the way she should have, had her life not been taken too soon.

Lexa’s arms wrapped around her middle, and her arms found their way to Lexa’s neck, pulling her close. Their faces were buried in each other’s necks.

“I must speak to you, love,” Costia muttered into Lexa’s neck. “That is why I am here. I don’t have much time.”

Lexa nodded and pulled back just enough to put her forehead against Costia’s. Her eyes weren’t closed, instead focusing on Costia’s, while tears silently made their way down onto her cheeks.

“Tell me, my love,” Lexa gave her a smile. It was the first time she’d smiled in days, and they both knew it.

Costia looked her up and down for a moment before speaking.

“I know you were told love is weakness, and though it may look like that at times, love is never weakness. Love is strength, and you need to gain your strength back. You’re so strong, so brave, so gentle… It’s too much sometimes, I know, but you always make it through.” They smiled at each other as their hands clasped together. “You’ll get through this too. But you must allow yourself to love.” Lexa’s smile wavered a bit. “I know -” Costia responded easily to Lexa’s thought without actually needing to have it voiced aloud, “- that it isn’t easy. But you found love again. Don’t let that go, okay? No matter how unforgivable you think you acted. Lexa didn’t make that choice, the commander did, for her people. And now you must allow Clarke to see it like that as well.”

Lexa was clearly startled by the mentioning of her name. “Do you know everything? All that’s been going on? All this time?” There were many more questions she wanted to ask, Costia knew, but she’d never be able to answer them all.

“I’ve been there every step of the way. I’ve guided you and ultimately stood by you once my guidance was no longer needed.” Hearing this, Lexa felt reassured, knowing that all those times she’d talked to her, Costia had always been listening. “Now, I’m giving it to you one last time before I go join the others.” Costia felt the pull on her soul. The Gods weren’t happy. Gods be damned. She put all her efforts into remaining with Lexa for as long as she could, a crease on her forehead forming in concentration.

“Costia…” Lexa put a hand on her cheek, still amazed by the feeling, but noticing the strain Costia was going through. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t give up on Clarke, okay? She’s okay, she’s taking care of herself, but don’t give up on her. Go find her. That’s all that matters. I don’t want you to lose love again.” Costia kissed Lexa’s lips softly, a final goodbye they never had the chance to give each other. She was crying now, knowing she wouldn’t be by Lexa’s side anymore hurt, but she’d prepared for this. She knew this was the right way. For Lexa. For Clarke. “They’re pulling me away, ai niron.” As Costia said it, she began to lose feeling in her hands, seeing herself fading into nothingness.

“Costia,” Lexa hestitated. She wanted to say so much more… But time was short, so she said the only thing that mattered. “I never stopped loving you.” She tried to grasp at Costia’s cheeks, but she couldn’t feel anything there as she saw Costia slowly fading.

“I know, love. I felt it every single day.” Her voice was soft, it cost a lot of effort to keep speaking.

“Thank you, my love.” Lexa gave her a smile and focused on Costia’s eyes, the only part of her still as bright as when she’d been alive and well.

Costia opened her mouth and tried to speak but nothing came out so she just nodded in understanding. Knowing that this had been the right thing to do. It was time for her to move on as Lexa would be doing too.

Her vision blurred, Lexa fading into a bright nothingness. The last thing she saw was Lexa smiling, a sight she’d treasured so much she was glad it would be her last memory of her.

At least they had their final goodbye.

 

 

After Lexa had disappeared from view, she felt like she was floating through nothing for a long time. It wasn’t white around her, but it was bright. Like all of the colors combined. It overwhelmed her, she hadn’t seen this when she’d died the first time. Maybe now she was dying for real?

After what felt like a second and an eternity all at once, she was greeted by faces she’d seen once before, only some were different from before. Some were giving her disapproving looks. Others looked sympathetic. They knew what she’d done, she knew that much.

No one spoke to her, so she spoke first, using her thoughts directed towards the Gods in front of her. Her physicaly voice was lost forever now.

_I knew the outcome, but I still had to do it._

The Gods looked towards each other for a moment and seem to debate something before one of them, a woman with dark brown hair that Costia thought looked vaguely familiar, looked towards her and spoke to her.

_Your love for my heir is great, young one. We realized that a long time ago. However, you preformed the act we cannot leave unpunished. As your punishment, you cannot see, feel, or visit Lexa or Earth again._

This was no surprise to her, being very aware of what she’d sacrificed for Lexa and Clarke.

The lady continued, _Your sacrifice will not go unnoticed, Costia._

This statement piqued her interest.

_Time is a strange concept here, but within a couple of human years, you will have the chance to return to Earth. Should you choose to keep waiting for that moment in time, you will be able to join Lexa and Clarke once more._ Costia looked at the woman wide-eyed and stunned. She didn’t know how to respond, so she said nothing.

_That is, if the future plays out well for them,_ the woman added, and Costia only hoped her sacrifice hadn’t been for nothing. They deserved a happy ending. She could only hope they’d get it.

**Author's Note:**

> About the ending: Fuck JRoth, so yes, in my head, Clexa gets a happy ending. 
> 
> Send me some ideas of how you think Costia will return to Lexa in given time at caskettmyheart.tumblr.com


End file.
